Unwinding

I am still unwinding. Long lengths of a cord that had been pulled in too tight for too long loosen and unravel.

The opening up is allowing me deeper, longer breaths. The frantic, eye-darting worry is slowly giving way to the open honest curiosity that has personified me since I was a small girl. I have time to sit and think and be and wonder and it’s making me feel alive again. To dream and remember what I want again.

Two years ago I knew it was time for a change. I knew I needed to grow and spread out from a familiar place to learn new things and meet new people. I took a job I thought would expand my world and instead it contracted it significantly. I spent two years feeling cramped and small, uninspired and asked to expect less. Any time not consumed by just trying to make it through was spent trying to recover and rest up for the next hurdle that I would have to find a way to force myself through.

I wish I were one of those people who is less affected by my immediate environment but for better or worse, where I am is a large part of who I am. Years of learning to adjust to new places and new expectations has made me incredibly adaptable but also sometimes too resigned to the culture and situation I find myself in. Even when I can recognize a toxic environment, I don’t always know how to change it or even exist inside of it without ingesting the toxins.

Three months ago I stepped out of that work environment that had me in a chokehold into a much more open place. My new work environment challenges everyone to imagine and talk about the future they would like to see and uses words like “abundance” as if they are everyday language. I didn’t know bad workplaces could leave the same scars as bad relationships but I am healing.

This is not to say that everything in my life is better now but as curiosity and creativity and dreaming return, I know I am in a healthier place. As my soul expands instead of contracts, I am physically breathing more easily, sleeping better, and waking up feeling energized instead of dreading the awful surprises the day might bring.

Deep down I know I learned things from my last work experience that I will someday understand and appreciate. But for now, I am enjoying the unwinding and soul-broadening of my new space. Delighting in the return of a desire to share myself through writing and thinking and talking in place of that awful animal-like need to self-protect.

My heart is much lighter. The opening up lets more light in. And hopefully it lets more light filter out too.